Bugs

I just spent ten minutes vacuuming the floor in my office.

This is a measure of just how much trouble I’m having writing a column this week. My office floor is concrete, covered with muddy footprints and ash from the fireplace in the corner. I could vacuum the rest of my life and it would never look great. After much diligent effort, it looks marginally better than it did, but so what, since I’m the only person who’s ever in here and I’m very easy to impress.

I had to vacuum because I couldn’t concentrate on my work, and I couldn’t concentrate on my work because I’m besieged with Asian beetles. Just seconds before I opened my laptop to do something useful I finished cleaning the big picture window of dust and bugs. Looking up right now, I see eleven Asian beetles and a fly messing it up again. They’re not hurting me at all, but will I be able to ignore them while I hammer out 500 words?

I’m back. The answer is no; I couldn’t. I had to lurch out of my recliner to commit more insect murders.

I’m sure there’s a chance people in this world are facing bigger challenges than I am, but the bugs are making me crazy. Right now a dozen of them on the window are aimlessly wandering around trying to find a way out. That’s bad enough, but another dozen are on the same window, except on the outside trying to get in. I don’t know what they want and I’ve found that screaming “WHAT DO YOU WANT!” doesn’t do any good at all.

I looked up the life cycle of the Asian beetle. Right out of the gate there was bad news. These bugs have a lifespan between one month to three years.

Three years? That’s not information I wanted to hear. My sanity is hanging by a thread; I’ll never last three years. Wikipedia says they’re harmless, and that in fact they’re incredibly useful. I don’t want to judge, but it certainly appears that the Asian beetle article was written by some sort of twisted Asian beetle sympathizer. It says all they do is eat aphids and lay their eggs on the bottom of leaves. I looked all over the house. We have no leaves, and no aphids. THERE’S NOTHING HERE FOR YOU, BUGS!

Furthermore, according to the article if I don’t like having them in the house I should just stuff steel wool into any cracks and crevices.

Really? My great-grandparents built this house. The new part was constructed in 1916, and it’s been standing here in the Minnesota weather ever since. Do you have any idea how many cracks and crevices there are? Northern Minnesota would have to open a new iron mine to produce enough steel wool for stuffing.

My office is only about 160 square feet, with no closets or other hiding places. How many beetles could this place have? Apparently, infinity, plus seven. Five minutes ago, I killed every beetle I could see, including standing on my desk to get three on the ceiling. I just took my eyes off my keyboard and I can see five of the little devils, going back and forth looking for aphids and leaves, and taunting me.

I can’t think of anything to write about. I’m just going to fire up the vacuum - again.

Copyright 2026 Brent Olson